The Other Side

Last night I had a dream where I went to drive a car and a cassette played on the radio, it was John's clear voice, the only thing it said was:

" I am very angry and disappointed"

While I had seen him and many of my late relatives in my dreams frequently, this is the first time, that I was able to hear his voice in the most clear way as if he was still so alive. This is such a strong message from the other side and I can understand why he might feel that way.

While the other side has proven to be a really nice peaceful and calm place, I believe that sometimes our late relatives get sad and unhappy as to how things unfold, drama, hate, and issues that arise and develop when someone in the family is gone.

Sometimes, we as widows and grieving families become so angry at a dead loved One, and it is such a waste of time and emotions (guilty as charged), because when someone dies, that is it, he/she is gone and can only exist in a spiritual way.

It takes a lot of emotional exercises to really realized that the dead Loved One did his/her best and that was it. And when he/she failed us, it was only out of ignorance. And finally, we have to remember that we were loved unconditionally by him/her.

John knew he was dying, and he chose death, because he refused over and over to seek medical help. It was his choice and with that I live. As much as I loved and cared for him, it was his choice to refuse the ambulance on his first small stroke, his choice to lie to the doctor about not having chest and left arms pains, his choice to not want to go to an emergency rooms 3 days before his death date when he told me he wasn't feeling good.

So, yes, I can truly understand his message. I can sleep really well at night on my own.

The Girl who loved the Fire

As a child, I used to play a lot and I would make a game or toy out of anything. I was fascinated, enchanted by Fire. I just loved Fire so much, I could not get enough of it. Looking a the bright light it produced, and the warm it caused, and the different forms it took, and how gentle it moved with the wind, I could not stop liking Fire so much. I would play with Fire in my big yard in my Great-Grandma's home. If my relatives would put on a candle, I would play with it, until they would made me stop.

Stop they try to make me stop, many times... They would yell at me and tell me how dangerous it was. I was such a stubborn child that I could not stop playing with Fire. I loved looking at it. Growing up in the Dominican Republic, we had many black outs, it was the normal thing. When I was in the afternoon school time, I had to finish my homework in the evening and nighttime with candles because of the black outs. I loved it, darkness never scared me. I found dark evenings and nights made it more fun and interesting. No that I was doing much as a child, but I would play outside with the neighborhood kids and scared the heck out of each other. We even created our own movies with a shoebox, a few toys and a candle.

My fascination with fire ended one afternoon when I almost burned the house. I will never forget that day, what I did, and felt guilty for many,... many,... many years.

My aunt Nelly put on a candle, for good wishes and she went to the hospital to give birth. I went inside her room, saw the candle and did what I loved to do. I started to play with it. There was a roll of toilet paper nearby so I took a piece of that paper and put it on the candle. The paper started to nicely become Fire and consumed by the Fire, it touched my fingers and burned me. I moved my hand rapidly, threw the paper on the floor right next to the quilt that was covering her bed. The bed started to go on fire so fast! ... I run to the yard, I put on the hose and started to put water on the bed, but there was not enough water to put the Fire off, the water pressure was too low. The whole mattress started to burn completely, the smoke started to come out of the side of the house. My front neighbors saw the smoke and came into the house to find out that I was burning down the place. My Great-Grandma was sleeping, so she was very much unaware of what was going on.

The neighbors helped to put out the fire. The bed was completely burned. As I am typing this entry, I am lol at this. OMG ! I was a horrible child. Now I remember when this happened, It was in 1980. I was 5 years old.

When my aunt Nelly came back from the hospital with her newborn, she did not had a bed to sleep with. I felt so bad. My mom was going to beat me up but she couldn't because I run and hid in the yard. I would climb up the trees and stay there for a few hours so no one could get me. We had 3 Avocados tree, 1 Mango tree, 1 Orange tree and 1 lemon tree plus many others. My favorite trees to climb were the Avocado trees, they were the tallest ones.

So many days past by, and I did not get the beat down. I did felt pretty bad for many years. I stop playing with fire. As an adult, I send money to my aunt Nelly for all the pain and trouble I caused her. Today, I laugh at it. My aunt Nelly loves me. She used to care for me all the time as if she was my mother too.