Wednesday, March 22, 2017

The Other Side

Last night I had a dream where I went to drive a car and a cassette played on the radio, it was John's clear voice, the only thing it said was:

" I am very angry and disappointed"

While I had seen him and many of my late relatives in my dreams frequently, this is the first time, that I was able to hear his voice in the most clear way as if he was still so alive. This is such a strong message from the other side and I can understand why he might feel that way.

While the other side has proven to be a really nice peaceful and calm place, I believe that sometimes our late relatives get sad and unhappy as to how things unfold, drama, hate, and issues that arise and develop when someone in the family is gone.

Sometimes, we as widows and grieving families become so angry at a dead loved One, and it is such a waste of time and emotions (guilty as charged), because when someone dies, that is it, he/she is gone and can only exist in a spiritual way.

It takes a lot of emotional exercises to really realized that the dead Loved One did his/her best and that was it. And when he/she failed us, it was only out of ignorance. And finally, we have to remember that we were loved unconditionally by him/her.

John knew he was dying, and he chose death, because he refused over and over to seek medical help. It was his choice and with that I live. As much as I loved and cared for him, it was his choice to refuse the ambulance on his first small stroke, his choice to lie to the doctor about not having chest and left arms pains, his choice to not want to go to an emergency rooms 3 days before his death date when he told me he wasn't feeling good.

So, yes, I can truly understand his message. I can sleep really well at night on my own.

Thursday, January 12, 2017

Grand St. Brooklyn N.Y. 11211

Someone is getting signatures for a petition to change the Traffic pattern on Grand st. When the L train shuts down.

They want to make specific lanes for Buses and Bikes which will result in us loosing Parking spots and Meters on Grand st.

DO NOT SIGN, don't support this plan. While they don't have enough information on their plan, I am sure lanes will be restricted to Buses and Bikes and the average driver or person will get fines for going on those lanes. And of course meters will be taken off to allow space for those Buses and Bike lanes just like the way it is in NYC, where is impossible to park or drive in those specific designated lanes.


Empire Lock
648 Grand st.
Brooklyn,NY 11211
(718) 599-0464

Friday, August 12, 2016


God is Omnipresent, God is here, there, and all over at the same time. God is everything, God is unlimited. As humans we are restricted to human thinking, so is difficult for some people to grasp the concept or understand the reality and presence of God. God doesn't have a body, He is in all bodies, Auras, and matter. He is dimensionally unlimited.

As a human, I searched for Him, I nagged Him, I talked to Him, I prayed, I asked questions, and in the back of my mind, I was full of doubts about Him being here and listening, I thought that I was too insignificant to be listen to. Guess what, He always listen, He is always around, once He is called upon.

My spiritual search, which is my own journey, and only me can understand, I will try to write in a simple form and hopefully, you the reader can "get it". My search has been inspired by the deep love I have for God and by my curiosity.

God answers: The way that God answers and communicate with us, varies in many different ways. He does it by giving us signs, or  by an inner voice that one hears and one knows, the voice is not from you, but a voice that is really speaking to you. And sometimes, His voice will be real, where one can hear it in their ears (which is rare to happen). One must be a truly Divine person to hear the voice in actuality by the sense of the Ears.

It is very interesting how the medical field acknowledges that people hear voices and label them as mentally insane (schizophrenia), yet the medical field won't admit that indeed God talks to some people. Yes, it is true, some people do hear voices and are mentally sick, just like some Divine people also hear God's voice and communicate with Him, just like Paramahansa Yogananda did.

As I read books from Paramahansa Yogananda, there is no doubt in my mind that he had direct communion and direct communication with God. As someone who visited his home The Mother Center in CA and Lake Shrine, I can confirm that he did. He was bigger than what I thought to my
astonishment. His books are Divinely inspired.

With this post I hope to help those in understanding the ways God talks and answers. Since, I had to figure it out on my own, and it took me many years to do so. I hope this will open up the minds of some people who are in the same quest as I was. While, I wasn't sure about writing this, I do believe that God wanted me to share, and so I did. Faith can be controversial and is something that many times, is better not to share or talk about it.

By no means, I am trying to say or imply that I am a saint, this is just my own spiritual quest and findings. I am as human as you are.

I will admit to having had a real communion with God. If you experience it, you will know what it is and what it feels like.

An authentic communion with God doesn't happen when one is taking those communion classes in church, it happens when One goes into meditation focused on God.

My God is your God.

Thursday, May 12, 2016

Foreskin and Body Heat

Foreskin helps the male body retain body heat. As I was volunteering at a fund raising event were everyone was to be dressed only in underwear, I greeted all of my friends with a hug as I always do. It caught my attention that one of my male friends who is from Europe, had a very warm body, and when I say warm, it was almost as if he had a small fever. Since we were all in our underwear I got to touch their backs and bellies as I hugged all of them.

All the American male friends had a colder or not warm body temperature at all, they had more like a room temperature. Which I was so curious as to why that friend from Europe had such a warm body, so I asked him "How come your body was so warm?" I was worried, maybe he was sick for that event. His answer was plain and simple "It is because of the Foreskin Aura, it helps to keep the body heat"

I was amazed and shocked at the new information. Then I started to see the correlation of warm body heat and Foreskin. I asked a few friends if they knew about this correlation and nobody will say that they knew or read about this. As I believe it is true and started to pay attention to all the friends and family that I hugged, it proves to be right in my experience.

No wonder why my 2 male sons have a warm body heat as well. As I searched on the web for more information I didn't see any articles about Foreskin and Body Heat, which I hope someone in the medical field will take notice and do some formal studies. This is one more reason why Foreskin is healthy and natural for males babies and it must be kept intact.

I encourage everyone to take notice of male body heat and see what I am writing about.

Friday, November 20, 2015

The Presence of God

  In my quest for soul satisfaction going into very deep meditations, I had been able to feel such a strong presence of God in my life and around me, that I even get my mind shocked, and I think how can some people not believe in God?!

  Little things that makes life sweet, funny, and interesting. Like the other evening my son got upset at me, he left my place with my car keys. He wanted to take the car for a drive. I didn't know of his plans until I saw him walk back in with a worried look. He said "Something's wrong with your ignition, your car is not turning on"

  So first, I was shocked at what he tried to do, second I joke on him on how God is in my side and didn't let him drive my car ( I had the best laugh), third my car never had a problem of that matter.

  When I went to check on my car, I noticed that the steering column had locked and it didn't allow the ignition to turn on, something that is very normal on cars to do, however my car had never done that. I unlocked the steering column and drove my car.

   For me that was like such a true act of God showing me that he is with me. I was really happy to feel God's presence in such a way.

Saturday, June 20, 2015


In my life, I have seen 3 people die in front of me. A child who was about 9 months old, who was sick and died in the hospital bed, while I was there doing my volunteer hours in order to graduate from High School in the D.R. My Great Grand Mother, Maria Pena, who died in her 90's sleeping calmly in her bed surrounded by many family members. and when John passed, my husban. I was there till his last breath. He was breathing peaceful like a baby, it was as if a candle had expired.

Seeing someone die is something that really stays with you for ever and ever. When the child died, I had many feelings, me being a child myself, I was 16 years old at that time. I didn't talk to anyone about it, and it is the first time, I am writing about it, because, it happened again with John's transition into another state of being. I have a hard time calling Death, Death. because, as I have learned, Death is not the end, the spirit never dies. It goes on to another dimension another type of world or state of being. I had visited the place in my dreams many times, and it is absolutely gorgeous and more than amazing place. Amazing and Gorgeous are words short of really defining that place. This is why I am  strongly opposed to the death penalty, Death is not a punishment, but a liberation from this painful and unbalanced world.

Visiting those places in my dreams, had helped me to overcome fear of Death, fear of the unknown. Believe me,... that place is great, people don't hate each other, there is no negative feelings, there is no punishment, there is only peace, calm, alignment, happiness and beauty there. I have mental pictures of it.

When John transitioned on 3/30/15, the nurse call me from hospice to ask me to be there because by the way he was breathing, they knew, he was going to transit soon. I got there after work by 7pm. I kissed him, touched him, held his hand, talked, and prayed for him. He was sleeping nicely and calm, just like a baby. As his time got closer, his breathing was turning slower, and it actually sounded like a newborn baby breathing, just like a real baby. Then in the final moments, he gasped for air a few times, with interrupted breathing, slowly, till I heard no more the sound of his breathing, by that time, I looked at him, since I was sitting right next to him, and I saw him expired at 11:00PM. I closed one eye that was open after his transition, the nurse told me thank you for doing that.

I went out of the room to get the nurse, she saw him and started to fill out papers. When I returned to the room with the nurse, I saw his body and withing 7 minutes, his body was like I had never seen it before, extremely pale white, it was a very shocking and painful for me to see his body like that, I left the room and didn't dare to touch him. I could not go back in there and see him like that, it was extremely painful.

I was used to seeing a very  radiant, strong, loud, healthy John. I was his shadow, I loved being his tail. I babied and pampered him all the time. After more than 19 years and 5 months of companionship, we were the rare couple who could live together and work together, we enjoyed each other's companionship. I used to put my fingers and hands on anything he was working on to help him out. We were addicted to each other, if one of us would go out for 1 or 2 hours alone to do an errand, it felt like a very long time. Sometimes, I would go somewhere to do an errand for like 20 minutes and when I came back, he would say "I missed you!" or if he went out for a few minutes, when he came back he would ask "Did you missed me?!"

John told me so many times, " I love you" that even after his passing, I can hear his voice clearly in my mind say "I love you". It was like one of those songs that get stuck to your head and you keep hearing it, that is what I feel.

We had an agreement that we were gonna reach old age together. After so many years, we still fell asleep holding hands and hugging. I feel that life dealt me a shitty card and now I have to learn how to make the best of it.

The mental picture of how his face looked with the eye open when his spirit left the body, is a pretty sad one, that stays in my mind for ever as well. I don't know where all the courage came from, for me to be able to do, see, and experience this, I will say that meditations helped me a lot. At that time, I was like, is nature, we are all going to pass and expire, well, after 2 months of his transition, it is when reality has hit me, and I had found myself in dark and dangerous grieving places, where I had been crying myself to sleep. During the day, everything is all fine and normal, but when night hits, I better make sure that I am tired enough to pass out and go to sleep, because if I don't, is not a pretty good night.


Saturday, June 6, 2015

Heart Disease

After John's passing, my life changed in ways that I could never thought of.  We had 2 more than amazing sons. I never imagine what life was without John. I just felt that, if anything, I would be taking care of him for a very long time if his health got worse.

I noticed something seriously wrong in his body, I got so scared, that I had to give him an ultimatum, about leaving him if he didn't go see a doctor. That was in 2008. He did, we found out he had diabetes. In addition to that, in 2010, he started having issues with high blood pressure. John had  many childhood traumas and bad experiences with doctors and hospitals, that created his fear and phobia of doctors and hospitals. I didn't know how bad his phobia of hospitals was till last year when he had the first stroke and we found out that previously to the stroke, he had had a Silent Heart Attack due to diabetes.

Many people ask me, what was he feeling. He was feeling a lot of things, many of those, he was hiding from me. I couldn't tell many times when he was feeling in pain or sick because he would hide it, and pretend that everything was okay, just like he did on the day that he got the second heart attack. He was at work all day, sitting down, quiet with a serious face, so I thought he had a moody day or was just upset for something that I couldn't tell. On our work days, he used to be always hugging me, kissing me, or bugging me, on that day, he was quiet on his desk all day. My guess is that he was feeling lots of pain and was sucking it in. As a matter of fact, on that day, he was going to do garbage for his mom, I finished my paperwork early and was going with him, since I never left him alone, just about, I was his tail, he told me "No, you don't have to come", so I went home to cook Farina, one of his favorite meals. He never came home, he never re-gain consciousness. He got the second heart attack, lost the pulse for more than 10 minutes, the pulse was gained back on the ambulance. The hospital did a surgery. Everything was fine, except that because he was ALONE, not one was there to give him CPR, it was too long without air for the brain. I had taken the CPR classes with my 2 sons, he knew we were ready to take care of him, however, he chose to be alone, he chose not to go to the hospital.

What I could notice was the sleep Apnea he had, he used to snore a lot, even though I had a family doctor come home and put the special machine for breathing, he refused to used it. He also had a lot of Chest pains and Left arm pain, many, very frequently since like 2010 he had been with those pains and he never told his doctor about it. He didn't take me to the doctor with him the few times he went, I only went once.

Last year, a few hours before getting the first stroke, I noticed that he was feeling sick and called 911, he refused to go to the hospital, he signed the paperwork that he was refusing medical help. Then, about 6:45 pm, he was vomiting and asking me not to dared to call 911 again. By the next day, at home, he was walking funny, and his lips were twisted. I called 911 again, met the ambulance outside, and demand them not to dare to leave him home, that something was wrong. It took the EMS about 25 minutes of talk to take him to the ER. At the ER, I had to stay to prevent him from signing himself out of the hospital.      

The only weird thing that did happen about three days before the second heart attack date, was that at night, before going to sleep, he told me he was feeling weird and sick, but he couldn't define or describe what he was feeling or tell me if anything hurt, he just said, I just feel sick and weird."

John was John. He was so strong,  one time, he had a bad tooth and he took pliers and extracted it himself because he didn't want to go to the dentist, who on earth does that?!!! His mental, personal,and smartness strength was one of the things that got me so attracted to him.

I had to sit down and see how John's health went down and got worse by the day. I was suffering inside of me, I just don't even know sometimes how, I coped with it.  I did called his mom a bunch of times and asked her to talk to him about his health, again, he reassured her that he was fine. He told me so many times that he felt great and I believed him.

"Let me tell you, I feel sooo good that I am gonna be here for a very Long time!" he told me, and I believed him. He was always busy working and fixing something, he would only relax at night watching TV.

One of the things that he did, as far as eating and I didn't like it was eating eggs, John loved eggs too much. He used to cook eggs himself almost everyday, I think like 4 days a week if not more. I didn't cook them for him, only sometimes, because I  don't believe in eggs, as much as any doctor or nurse tell me that eggs are healthy. He would eat 4 slices of pizza until I started to tell everyone, about it and he got embarrassed, and cut down on the pizza. After the first stroke, he started to buy the liquid fat free eggs on the box, still he was eating eggs too frequently. Then, to make matters worst, I found out that his mother and father have the heart disease , diabetes, and high blood pressure as well. So, he knew that genetics was not in his favor. His father had a total of 19 strokes and 8 heart attacks before passing one year ago. His father made it till 75, because his father did seek medical help all the time and his mother too.

After the first stroke on 4/18/14, for the first 3 months, his body and health was weak, he was limping a little bit from the left side of his body. He told a few people ( not to me), that if he didn't get better he would kill himself. Those people told me, so I really made sure, I didn't leave him alone at all. Me and my boys would signal and talk to each other, to make sure that one of us was always with him. That was the only way we could prevent his suicide. I know he would had done it, John hated to feel sick or to be weak, it was one of the worst thing that he experienced, he could not accept that his body was weak. When I told him about seeing a therapist, he would get very angry at me, and say that I was crazy. John didn't believe in therapy. I did provided as much love, understanding and support in order to make him feel loved, so much, that I stop doing many things, just to be there for John. For his last days, he did somethings that, when he was gone, I realized that he knew he was going to be gone.

My goal for this blog entry is that if you know someone who has this issues with Chest Pain and Left arm pains, please forward this entry, in the hope of creating awareness of this serious health problem that is nothing to joke of, or to be afraid of seeking help and going to the doctor. The thing is that, if John would had told his doctor, with only ONE pill, all of this could had been prevented.

There is a huge difference between going awake and aware to a hospital, where you can see and talk to the doctors, than to be unconscious and not get the medical help that is needed on time to make one feel better.