Saturday, June 20, 2015

Death

In my life, I have seen 2 people die in front of me. A child who was about 9 months old, who was sick and die in the hospital bed, while I was there doing my volunteer hours in order to graduate from High School in the D.R., and when John passed. I was there till his last breath. He was breathing peaceful like a baby, it was as if a candle had expired.

Seeing someone die is something that really stays with you for ever and ever. When the child died, I had many feelings, me being a child myself, I was 16 years old at that time. I didn't talk to anyone about it, and it is the first time, I am writing about it, because, it happened again with John's transition into another state of being. I have a hard time calling Death, Death. Because, as I have learned, Death is not the end, the spirit never dies. It goes on to another dimension another type of world or state of being. I had visited the place in my dreams many times, and it is absolutely gorgeous and more than amazing place. Amazing and Gorgeous are words short of really defining the place. This is why I am really strongly opposed to the death penalty, Death is not a punishment, but a liberation from this painful and unbalanced world.

Visiting those places in my dreams, had helped me to overcome fear of Death, fear of the unknown. Believe me,... that place is great, people don't hate each other, there is no negative feeling, there is no punishment, there is only peace, calm, alignment, happiness and beauty there. I have mental pictures of it.

When John transitioned on 3/30/15, the nurse call me from hospice to ask me to be there because by the way he was breathing, they knew, he was going to transit soon. I got there after work by 7pm. I kissed him, touched him, held his hand, talked, and prayed for him. He was sleeping nicely and calm, just like a baby. As his time got closer, his breathing was turning slower, and it actually sounded like a newborn baby breathing, just like a real baby. Then in the final moments, he gasped for air a few times, with interrupted breathing, slowly, till I heard no more the sound of his breathing, by that time, I looked at him, since I was sitting right next to him, and I saw him expired at 11:00PM. I closed one eye that was open after his transition, the nurse told me thank you for doing that.
I went out of the room to get the nurse, she saw him and started to fill out papers. When I returned to the room with the nurse, I saw his body and withing 7 minutes, his body was like I had never seen it before, extremely pale white, it was a very shocking and painful for me to see his body like that, I left the room and didn't dare to touch him. I could not go back in there and see him like that, it was extremely painful.

I was used to seeing a very  radiant, strong, loud, healthy John. I was his shadow, I loved being his tail. I babied and pampered him all the time. After more than 19 years and 5 months of companionship, we were the rare couple who could live together and work together, we enjoyed each other's companionship. I used to put my fingers and hands on anything he was working on to help him out. We were addicted to each other, if one of us would go out for 1 or 2 hours alone to do an errand, it felt like a very long time. Sometimes, I would go somewhere to do an errand for like 20 minutes and when I came back to the store, he would say "I missed you!" or if he went out for a few minutes, when he came back he would ask "Did you missed me?!"

John told me so many times, " I love you" that even after his passing, I can hear his voice clearly in my mind say "I love you". It was like one of those songs that get stuck to your head and you keep hearing it, that is what I feel.

We had an agreement that we were gonna reach old age together. After so many years, we still fell asleep holding hands and hugging. I feel that life dealt me a shitty card and now I have to learn how to make the best of it.


The mental picture of how his face looked with the eye open when his spirit left the body, is a pretty sad one, that stays in my mind for ever as well. I don't know where all the courage came from, for me to be able to do, see, and experience this, I will say that meditations helped me a lot. At that time, I was like, is nature, we are all going to pass and expire, well, after 2 months of his transition, it is when reality has hit me, and I had found myself in dark and dangerous grieving places, where I had been crying myself to sleep. During the day, everything is all fine and normal, but when night hits, I better make sure that I am tired enough to pass out and go to sleep, because if I don't, is not a pretty good night.


                                                            

Tuesday, June 9, 2015

Mis Poemas y locos pensamientos

"Fuck You Tomorrow"
Don't love me Tomorrow,
I will no save Love for tomorrow,
Love me today, and only today, for all I care,
I only have Today.
I don't care for the Tomorrows, the Tomorrows don't exist, the Tomorrow is irrelevant, fuck Tomorrow, love me today,
for today is all I have.

The song that inspired this poem:
https://youtu.be/USrflLJfZBE?list=PLnWeuRrmBtRJmOtDgPhV4scJOT9M3bbqC

AuraIam DASEP
6.8.15


I am Him, he is Me. In me you are, in me your stay. So Into each other that there is no ending, there is not beginning, there is no Me, there is no You, there is just Being.
I am, You are. It is.

AuraIam DASEP

When one is afraid of the unknown, dare to know it.
Take her to those unknown planets,
Make her see those unknown stars,
Let her see a other universes,
allow her to experience that.
Take her there,
if you don't want to go on that journey,
let her go, let her experience it.
Experience limitless.
Unknown places are the most exciting places.
Unknown stars are the shiniest ones. How can those unknown stars be unknown?... maybe because one didn't open their eyes to begin with?...
AuraIam DASEP
6.8.15


Love is a burning game, where we absolutely know, we are gonna get burn and fucked up, yet, we all wanna play that game...lol
AuraIam 6.19.15

When you have sex with someone, indirectly, you are also having sex with their 1th, 2th, 3th, 4th , 40th, or 70th...or whatever number exes they had. 
Thought of the day. STD awareness. 
AuraIam 6.2215


To be continued...

My Journey 6.9.15

Last night I dreamed that me and John were inside a nice church. I told him "John, you know you are dead right?!"
He burst into screaming and yelling really loud, and angry in rage, just like he used to do when he was alive and was angry at anything. He didn't know that he was dead, he was extremely upset that I told him, he wouldn't accept it. It was heart breaking for me.

I felt sad and scared. In real life, I wouldn't tell John things to try to keep him calm and not let him get angry, since he had a hot, short temper and would get angry and upset very easily for any little thing. He just didn't know how to take things easy. He let everything get him aggravated. Because I knew his health was not in good shape, I wouldn't tell him things so he wouldn't get upset. I tried to stay around him like always.

I wouldn't even go out to events and places, just because I didn't want to leave him alone.

Saturday, June 6, 2015

Grieving and Coping

I will be updating on how this nasty, dirty, and slippery Grieving road goes by.

Grieving is the worst type of shit hole the spirit finds itself in. It is the meanest, weakest place to find yourself in. It  fucking suck you right back in, just when you thought that you were doing better and getting out of it. Really, this is the worse stage where any human being can be.

I take it one day at the time. My mind changed drastically, my personality, everything. I lost myself, I don't know who I really am sometimes, because I would do things that I wouldn't be expecting of doing. I became careless, fearless, courageous and so on.

The emotional roller coaster of the grieving process is horrible. I had not taken any therapy just yet, but found ways of coping with my pain that I will share as I go, in the hopes that it can help others as well. I don't follow a pattern or rule, in everything I do, I just do as I feel. If something doesn't feel right, I just don't do it, and I just stop caring much about what others will think of me, because by now, I don't need the approval. You see, in my view, if you loose the most important person in your life, you just don't give a fuck about nothing else pretty much, so that makes me a dangerous person to mess with. I lost my tolerance for bullshit and people who waste my time. Meaning that, if someone knows what they are supposed to do, just fucking do it, don't try to make my life harder because you know what, my life is hard as hard can be, I don't need one more stupid person trying to make it any worse. So I base my decisions on that, You are either tough enough to ride along with me or you just gotta go.

It is a my weakest point, where I can bring the best out of me. I am a woman on fire. That fire is just there underneath, ready to pop and burn when it is needed.

It takes to loose someone you deeply care and love, to be able to understand another grieving person. I had never ever lost someone I love in my life. This time is my turn, shit does it hurts, it hurt more than hell you if ask me to define it. So yeah, loosing someone you love is sort of experiencing hell on earth, that is how I can best define it. I can also relate better and understand when someone else tells me that they lost someone.

The pain is so bad, that I can only remember of a similar pain when I was about 5 years old, when my father left my mom, he came to America, and I didn't get to see him for many years. Except, that the pain is worst now, because, I really loved John above all. We had 19 plus years together, and we shared a lot of it together, we were friends, we talked and talked all the time.

Another worst shitty part of the Grieving is realizing that not only  I don't have my partner and companion next to me, is that I can't talk to him anymore, so that is pretty bad, to realized that he is not here, that we can't talk, argue or yell at each other, the Muteness of  death is devastating, really. Sometimes, I doubt if I am gonna make it past the first year without John. Not that I am afraid of it. That is the natural way, in many long term relationship, when one dies, the other partner dies.

I did had 2 days that I didn't eat while he was in the hospital, I couldn't eat for nothing, the smell of food made me sick, I was so sad that I could not eat. So, I can surely say that 2 days without food is not bad, I am still here, I didn't die.

While I have a very busy life with work, my pets, and sons to provide love, and support, there are moments of quiet time, when I miss John the most. On the nights that I was feeling dead sick in pain, I would go into a bar, have a beer and listen to live music, that was the best way for me to numb the pain for the moment. I did all the meditation I could, still doing the meditation, however, there was something my spirit needed and meditation was not enough. I started to practice muay thai.

In my experience, Muay Thai did it, it gave me the mental balance that I was looking for. For some reason, all the hard work and exercise of the fighting technique has helped me to feel very confident and great about my body while getting in shape at the same time. Is it easy, no, the working out hurts physically a lot, but when you have emotional pain, the physical pain feels like a minor pain.


6/16/15
2 1/2 months into grieving. The first month I was like this is something natural we all gonna die. Well, now, reality has hit me hard. Many nights, I end up crying until I fall asleep. In the day, I am fine, I work and function normal, enjoy life, at night, I get sad, angry, and cry. Time heals, I just don't know how much time will be for me to feel at least 90% okay. Sometimes, I think I won't make it pass the first year of living without John. Sometimes, I do wish to die and be with him.

The hardest part is coping is the reality of not having my best friend, my true friend, my companionship. I am lost bird. I was the caged bird who learned to love the cage. 






Heart Disease

After John's passing, my life changed in ways that I could never thought of.  We had 2 more than amazing sons. I never imagine what life was without John. I just felt that, if anything, I would be taking care of him for a very long time if his health got worse.

I notice something seriously wrong in his body, I got so scared, that I had to give him an ultimatum, about leaving him if he didn't go see a doctor. That was in 2008. He did, we found out he had diabetes. In addition to that, in 2010, he started having issues with high blood pressure. John had  many childhood traumas and bad experiences with doctors and hospitals, that created his fear and phobia of doctors and hospitals. I didn't know how bad his phobia of hospitals was till last year when he had the first stroke and we found out that previously to the stroke he had had a Silent Heart Attack due to diabetes.

Many people ask me, what was he feeling. He was feeling a lot of things, many of those, he was hiding from me. I couldn't tell many times when he was feeling in pain or sick because he would hide it, and pretend that everything was okay, just like he did on the day that he got the second heart attack. He was at work all day, sitting down, quiet with a serious face, so I thought he had a moody day or was just upset for something that I couldn't tell. On our work days, he used to be always hugging me, kissing me, or bugging me, on that day, he was quiet on his desk all day. My guess is that he was feeling lots of pain and was sucking it in. As a matter of fact, on that day, he was going to do garbage for his mom, I finished my paperwork early and was going with him, since I never left him alone, just about, I was his tail, he told me "No, you don't have to come", so I went home to cook farina, one of his favorite meals. He never came home, he never re-gain consciousness. He got the second heart attack, lost the pulse for more than 10 minutes, the pulse was gained back on the ambulance. The hospital did a surgery. Everything was fine, except that because he was ALONE, not one was there to give him CPR, it was too long without air to the brain. I had taken the CPR classes with my 2 sons, he knew we were ready to take care of him, however, he chose to be alone, he chose not to go to the hospital.

What I could notice was the sleep apnea he had, he used to snore a lot, even though I had a family doctor come home and put the special machine for breathing, he refused to used it. He also had a lot of Chest pains and Left arm pain, many, very frequently since like 2010 he had been with those pains and he never told his doctor about it. He didn't take me to the doctor with him the few times he went, I only went once.

Last year, a few hours before getting the first stroke, I noticed that he was feeling sick and called 911, he refused to go to the hospital, he signed the paperwork that he was refusing medical help. Then, about 6:45 pm, he was vomiting and asking me not to dared to call 911 again. By the next day, at home, he was walking funny, and his lips were twisted. I called 911 again, met the ambulance outside, and demand them not to dare to leave him home, that something was wrong. It took the EMS about 25 minutes of talk to take him to the ER. At the ER, I had to stay to prevent him from signing himself out of the hospital.      

The only weird thing that did happen about three days before the second heart attack date, was that at night, before going to sleep, he told me he was feeling weird and sick, but he couldn't define or describe what he was feeling or tell me if anything hurt, he just said, I just feel sick and weird."

John was John. He was so strong,  one time, he had a bad tooth and he took pliers and extracted it himself because he didn't want to go to the dentist, who on earth does that?!!! His mental, personal,and smartness strength was one of the things that got me so attracted to him.


I had to sit down and see how John's health went down and got worse by the day. I was suffering inside of me, I just don't even know sometimes how, I coped with it.  I did called his mom a bunch of times and asked her to talk to him about his health, again, he reassured her that he was fine. He told me so many times that he felt great and I believed him.

"Let me tell you, I feel sooo good that I am gonna be here for a very Long time!" he told me, and I believed him. He was always busy working and fixing something, he would only relax at night watching TV.

One of the things that he did, as far as eating and I didn't like it was eating eggs, John loved eggs too much. He used to cook eggs himself almost everyday, I think like 4 days a week if not more. I didn't cook them for him, only sometimes, because I  don't believe in eggs, as much as any doctor or nurse tell me that eggs are healthy. He would eat 4 slices of pizza until I started to tell everyone, about it and he got embarrassed, and cut down on the pizza. After the first stroke, he started to buy the liquid fat free eggs on the box, still he was eating eggs too frequently. Then, to make matters worst, I found out that his mother and father have the heart disease , diabetes, and high blood pressure as well. So, he knew that genetics was not in his favor. His father had a total of 19 strokes and 8 heart attacks before passing one year ago. His father made it till 75, because his father did seek medical help all the time and his mother too.

After the first stroke on 4/18/14, for the first 3 months, his body and health was weak, he was limping a little bit from the left side of his body. He told a few people ( not to me), that if he didn't get better he would kill himself. Those people told me, so I really made sure, I didn't leave him alone at all. Me and my boys would signal and talk to each other, to make sure that one of us was always with him. That was the only way we could prevent his suicide. I know he would had done it, John hated to feel sick or to be weak, it was one of the worst thing that he experienced, he could not accept that his body was weak. When I told him about seeing a therapist, he would get very angry at me, and say that I was crazy. John didn't believe in therapy. I did provided as much love, understanding and support in order to make him feel loved, so much, that I stop doing many things, just to be there for John. For his last days, he did somethings that, when he was gone, I realized that he knew he was going to be gone.

My goal for this blog entry is that if you know someone who has this issues with Chest Pain and Left arm pains, please forward this entry, in the hope of creating awareness of this serious health problem that is nothing to joke of, or to be afraid of seeking help and going to the doctor. The thing is that, if John would had told his doctor, with only ONE pill, all of this could had be prevented.

There is a huge difference between going awake and aware to a hospital, where you can see and talk to the doctors, than to be unconscious and not get the medical help that is needed on time to make one feel better.




                                                                            

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Scam Alert

There are a few different numbers that are calling people and pretending to be law offices or other agencies and telling people that they are going to file a law suit against you and that you must pay money  for some unknown bill. Do not give into these crooks. Sometimes, they will confirm your identity by giving you the last four digits of your social security number, address, name and so on.

You can find out very fast that they are crooks if you Google their phone number. Do not give any information, the first thing you must say is that you are reporting them with the police department of your area.

I will be posting these numbers here, so you will be able to know some of them. I am always getting these calls and I almost fell for it, they almost scam me for $498.00 dollars.

They are very good at what they do.

If you have anymore numbers that had or tried to scam you, please email it to me so I can add them to this blog. It is time to fight back America.  Email it to:

Lalistadeaura@aol.com

Here is the first number:

718-450-9468


206-430-5392    One more number from scam artist. There is a machine who call you from this number give you a reference number and tells you to call as soon as possible because there is a Legal Action claim that is going to be file against you. When you call, they act like they are lawyers and that you must pay a fee. They are very creative and will sound like they are totally doing the legal thing to make you pay.



One Locksmith listing from a scam artist, there is no Empire Locksmith at 182 Greenpoint ave. if you call this locksmith, you will get scammed. Fake listing:

https://plus.google.com/101239766860987508063/about




Friday, October 17, 2014

Aura's Art

I want to share most of my Art pieces made in different times, with different materials. Hope that you enjoy this entry. Most of these arts are decorating the places of friends and family. Sometimes sold, sometimes gifted.



"I Am" made it in February 2015.  40x30. Donated to BARC Shelter at 253 Wythe ave Brooklyn.




"Flow"  made in January 2015:








Blue Jay made on a wall mural at 304 Meserole st. in 2011.







Fun Day:







The Beach on a piece of wood.  2002.















Child's Dream. One of my favorite piece.
















Intact Baby. Love this one too. It is on a wall mural at 304 Meserole st.















 Bare feet on Rocks.



















Beach on a rock. Small rock.
















Bag Hand painted.




















The beach small  4x6. As you can tell, the beach is one of my favorite things to paint 2013.















Beach on a small rock. The coin is for a visual reference of the size of the rock.

















In The Shower 24x36.



















Cat in The Hat 2004.




Chicken Love 2004. Sold.

Part of the Amor de Leones Art.



My lovely dog, Diesel painted on a rock.















Dreams.  Art on a wine bottle.



















Working Hand. 2012.



















Puppy on a rock. Sold.




Window art painting. I had a lot of fun doing it.















Dolphins on a small wood.




















Mural on a door.

















Wine bottle side 1.
























































Wine bottle painting side 2



















Family


















Fay



 Sticker with my painted butterflies and my design.



Hand painted T-shirt.



Falling In Love 2012.


Silly art  made on my phone.




Full Of Shit. 2012.



 Tina. She never made it to the US. 2008.





















Artistic bottle.






















Blue Sex Goddess. A copy.
















File Energy, doodle 3/15:
   



Blow Me Away, 9/2013:






Tapasutra, painted soda caps:




Baby Dino in ceramic.



















Butterfly on a tray.





















A very nice picture of a summer sidewalk flower in Brooklyn, NY.

















Picture by me. A very Artistic picture. 2009.
















Butterfly on a side walk















Come back and check  more paintings, I will upload more pictures of my Arts as time allows me.