Will you stay being friends with someone who is suicidal, or cut off the friendship turn your back on them and walk away?
Suicide is a serious mental illness and more common than what we know. After being friends with someone who strongly believe in Suicide, I couldn't deal with it and I just shut him out and unfriended him. Was that mean? yes absolutely. It was actually the first time I acted selfish to protect myself and my emotions.
Because after experiencing the death of a few friends via Suicide, that is an experience that I didn't want to be part of. So, if you are Suicidal and you refuse to seek professional help, you can unfriend me to. I don't want to be part or walk no one's Hell. I already lived and walked my Hell, and I came out of it Alive. I CHOOSE to live and enjoy life, even when life is shitty, I love and enjoy life. It is the hardest, worst, darkest moments of our lives that which can teach us to be stronger.
I see some Suicidal people as being selfish, it is a very selfish act. So, if someone is selfish enough to commit suicide, he/she should be able to understand my selfishness to protect myself and cut off the friendship.
Of course, this is excusing the people who have serious mental health issues and do commit Suicide. But someone who is extremely smart and talented, wanting and committing Suicide, I have a problem dealing with it. Again, I think they are selfish and are not willing to understand the meaning of life.
Last week, as I spoke to a very close relative who told me that he was going to kill himself because he ( thought ) was in serious trouble and he was not able to handle it, he told me, he would kill himself straight out and that was it, he made up his mind, flat and clear, I realized how easy is for anyone to become Suicidal. As I remained calm and spoke to him a bit, slowly he told me what the trouble was. I had to speak to him slowly and let him open up on his own. Once I realized what was the big "Trouble" that he thought he had (which it was not), I was able to talk him out of his Suicidal choice/mentality. The solution was very plain and simple to his "trouble", just with one small conversation I was able to give clarity to his mind and thoughts.
I don't think that God created us for the purpose of doing such a thing as Suicide and self destruction. I believe that we can uplift each other. Of course in serious situations like Suicide, I am not professionally prepared, licensed or educated to deal with it and give the right care and support. Helping a relative with it, was easy. However helping someone who is not a relative and have serious issues or mental health issues is something that I can not do, it is extremely draining and tiring at all levels. If you are Suicidal there are so many things that can be done to prevent it and find joy in life, and the first step is seeking professional help with a Licensed Therapist or by calling the National Suicide Prevention hotline 1-800-273-8255.
Monday, October 23, 2017
Thursday, May 11, 2017
Choosing The Right Partner
Choosing The Right Partner for my work out in Mauy Thai is a serious decision and a very important one for me every time I have a class. I mean, this is the person that is going to be legally allowed to hit me and that I can hit for almost 1 hour.
Who knew that getting the right training partner was such an important decision?!...It is very important for my advancement and learning process. I didn't know how weak I was until I started to train, then 2 years later, I didn't know how strong my body was going to become. I am still mentally shocked at the changes in my body. Being able to do so much more physically and regained so much energy.
I really didn't pay attention at the beginning, but then I started to notice that at the time of picking a partner after the warm out work outs, I was the ugliest duckling in the class who was left without a training partner, so I had to be placed in a group with 2 other people. There was something going on that I quite didn't understand. lol
Finally, I figured out that to land a good training partner, I would have to ask someone to be my partner ahead, before the class started !!! Bingo!!!! I cracked part of the code and unspoken social rule.
So, I still remember that one partner who rejected me, once that I had asked him and he agreed to be my partner, right before class, he dump me, he actually dropped me, and chose another partner for whatever reasons. Well, that was mean ! I was crushed ! Anyhow, I never asked him again to be my partner. However, this was a great experience because I learned to handle rejection and see the great part of it, where you move on to the next partner and learn so much more with so many different people.
Training with advanced students is a privilege, because they correct me, teach me, and give me hints of how to do things better and what parts need improvements in training. Now, when I do train with beginners, I can see how much progress I had made in the sport.
I really love to train with men for the one reason, the different body types and sizes help me to measure and practice hits on different body types. I can also hit them with as much force as I can, they can handle it. Of course, with our protective gears.
Training with women is lovely, because some of them are extremely strong and hit as hard as men. Of course, when my energy level is below normal level, I pick some of the newer students, because I know, they won't hit me as hard.
Now, you know part of the code to get the Right Training Partner.
Who knew that getting the right training partner was such an important decision?!...It is very important for my advancement and learning process. I didn't know how weak I was until I started to train, then 2 years later, I didn't know how strong my body was going to become. I am still mentally shocked at the changes in my body. Being able to do so much more physically and regained so much energy.
I really didn't pay attention at the beginning, but then I started to notice that at the time of picking a partner after the warm out work outs, I was the ugliest duckling in the class who was left without a training partner, so I had to be placed in a group with 2 other people. There was something going on that I quite didn't understand. lol
Finally, I figured out that to land a good training partner, I would have to ask someone to be my partner ahead, before the class started !!! Bingo!!!! I cracked part of the code and unspoken social rule.
So, I still remember that one partner who rejected me, once that I had asked him and he agreed to be my partner, right before class, he dump me, he actually dropped me, and chose another partner for whatever reasons. Well, that was mean ! I was crushed ! Anyhow, I never asked him again to be my partner. However, this was a great experience because I learned to handle rejection and see the great part of it, where you move on to the next partner and learn so much more with so many different people.
Training with advanced students is a privilege, because they correct me, teach me, and give me hints of how to do things better and what parts need improvements in training. Now, when I do train with beginners, I can see how much progress I had made in the sport.
I really love to train with men for the one reason, the different body types and sizes help me to measure and practice hits on different body types. I can also hit them with as much force as I can, they can handle it. Of course, with our protective gears.
Training with women is lovely, because some of them are extremely strong and hit as hard as men. Of course, when my energy level is below normal level, I pick some of the newer students, because I know, they won't hit me as hard.
Now, you know part of the code to get the Right Training Partner.
Monday, May 8, 2017
Homeless Man
As I rode the train yesterday, a homeless man in the train was asking for money in the train as usual in NY. He came right next to me, too close for comfort, he stayed right near me within my personal space and stood there almost falling down with his head down. My first instinct of defending myself and being ready and aware to subdue him if he tried to touch me or hit me kicked in. That was my first reaction and thoughts.
As he stayed there so close and quiet, I gave him money. I thought he would leave and move on to ask the other people. He did not ! I was confused. Thinking withing myself, why is he next to me, why he picked me out of everyone in the train, when I was completely covered with my coat and barely showing my face... Why me ?!!!...
Then, He moved a bit and held the poll right in front of me, it looked like he was going to fall down as he moved his head down and down and up, he looked disoriented or under some chemical influence. Then, I started to feel sorry for him, and see him as a human, who just needed some kind of help. So I told him, "sit down" and he did sit next to me, for a few more minutes. Then, by the next stop, he got up and left the train.
I think that this man, didn't just needed money, he needed kindness, love, and compassion. Maybe a mother figure in his life to give him some kind of comfort. Who knows...Anyhow, it was kind of a strange experience.
As he stayed there so close and quiet, I gave him money. I thought he would leave and move on to ask the other people. He did not ! I was confused. Thinking withing myself, why is he next to me, why he picked me out of everyone in the train, when I was completely covered with my coat and barely showing my face... Why me ?!!!...
Then, He moved a bit and held the poll right in front of me, it looked like he was going to fall down as he moved his head down and down and up, he looked disoriented or under some chemical influence. Then, I started to feel sorry for him, and see him as a human, who just needed some kind of help. So I told him, "sit down" and he did sit next to me, for a few more minutes. Then, by the next stop, he got up and left the train.
I think that this man, didn't just needed money, he needed kindness, love, and compassion. Maybe a mother figure in his life to give him some kind of comfort. Who knows...Anyhow, it was kind of a strange experience.
Wednesday, March 22, 2017
The Other Side
Last night I had a dream where I went to drive a car and a cassette played on the radio, it was John's clear voice, the only thing it said was:
" I am very angry and disappointed"
While I had seen him and many of my late relatives in my dreams frequently, this is the first time, that I was able to hear his voice in the most clear way as if he was still so alive. This is such a strong message from the other side and I can understand why he might feel that way.
While the other side has proven to be a really nice peaceful and calm place, I believe that sometimes our late relatives get sad and unhappy as to how things unfold, drama, hate, and issues that arise and develop when someone in the family is gone.
Sometimes, we as widows and grieving families become so angry at a dead loved One, and it is such a waste of time and emotions (guilty as charged), because when someone dies, that is it, he/she is gone and can only exist in a spiritual way.
It takes a lot of emotional exercises to really realized that the dead Loved One did his/her best and that was it. And when he/she failed us, it was only out of ignorance. And finally, we have to remember that we were loved unconditionally by him/her.
John knew he was dying, and he chose death, because he refused over and over to seek medical help. It was his choice and with that I live. As much as I loved and cared for him, it was his choice to refuse the ambulance on his first small stroke, his choice to lie to the doctor about not having chest and left arms pains, his choice to not want to go to an emergency rooms 3 days before his death date when he told me he wasn't feeling good.
So, yes, I can truly understand his message. I can sleep really well at night on my own.
Saturday, June 20, 2015
Death
In my life, I have seen 3 people die in front of me. A child who was about 9 months old, who was sick and died in the hospital bed, while I was there doing my volunteer hours in order to graduate from High School in the D.R. My Great Grand Mother, Maria Pena, who died in her 90's sleeping calmly in her bed surrounded by many family members. and when John passed, my husban. I was there till his last breath. He was breathing peaceful like a baby, it was as if a candle had expired.
Seeing someone die is something that really stays with you for ever and ever. When the child died, I had many feelings, me being a child myself, I was 16 years old at that time. I didn't talk to anyone about it, and it is the first time, I am writing about it, because, it happened again with John's transition into another state of being. I have a hard time calling Death, Death. because, as I have learned, Death is not the end, the spirit never dies. It goes on to another dimension another type of world or state of being. I had visited the place in my dreams many times, and it is absolutely gorgeous and more than amazing place. Amazing and Gorgeous are words short of really defining that place. This is why I am strongly opposed to the death penalty, Death is not a punishment, but a liberation from this painful and unbalanced world.
Visiting those places in my dreams, had helped me to overcome fear of Death, fear of the unknown. Believe me,... that place is great, people don't hate each other, there is no negative feelings, there is no punishment, there is only peace, calm, alignment, happiness and beauty there. I have mental pictures of it.
When John transitioned on 3/30/15, the nurse call me from hospice to ask me to be there because by the way he was breathing, they knew, he was going to transit soon. I got there after work by 7pm. I kissed him, touched him, held his hand, talked, and prayed for him. He was sleeping nicely and calm, just like a baby. As his time got closer, his breathing was turning slower, and it actually sounded like a newborn baby breathing, just like a real baby. Then in the final moments, he gasped for air a few times, with interrupted breathing, slowly, till I heard no more the sound of his breathing, by that time, I looked at him, since I was sitting right next to him, and I saw him expired at 11:00PM. I closed one eye that was open after his transition, the nurse told me thank you for doing that.
I went out of the room to get the nurse, she saw him and started to fill out papers. When I returned to the room with the nurse, I saw his body and withing 7 minutes, his body was like I had never seen it before, extremely pale white, it was a very shocking and painful for me to see his body like that, I left the room and didn't dare to touch him. I could not go back in there and see him like that, it was extremely painful.
I was used to seeing a very radiant, strong, loud, healthy John. I was his shadow, I loved being his tail. I babied and pampered him all the time. After more than 19 years and 5 months of companionship, we were the rare couple who could live together and work together, we enjoyed each other's companionship. I used to put my fingers and hands on anything he was working on to help him out. We were addicted to each other, if one of us would go out for 1 or 2 hours alone to do an errand, it felt like a very long time. Sometimes, I would go somewhere to do an errand for like 20 minutes and when I came back, he would say "I missed you!" or if he went out for a few minutes, when he came back he would ask "Did you missed me?!"
John told me so many times, " I love you" that even after his passing, I can hear his voice clearly in my mind say "I love you". It was like one of those songs that get stuck to your head and you keep hearing it, that is what I feel.
We had an agreement that we were gonna reach old age together. After so many years, we still fell asleep holding hands and hugging. I feel that life dealt me a shitty card and now I have to learn how to make the best of it.
The mental picture of how his face looked with the eye open when his spirit left the body, is a pretty sad one, that stays in my mind for ever as well. I don't know where all the courage came from, for me to be able to do, see, and experience this, I will say that meditations helped me a lot. At that time, I was like, is nature, we are all going to pass and expire, well, after 2 months of his transition, it is when reality has hit me, and I had found myself in dark and dangerous grieving places, where I had been crying myself to sleep. During the day, everything is all fine and normal, but when night hits, I better make sure that I am tired enough to pass out and go to sleep, because if I don't, is not a pretty good night.
Seeing someone die is something that really stays with you for ever and ever. When the child died, I had many feelings, me being a child myself, I was 16 years old at that time. I didn't talk to anyone about it, and it is the first time, I am writing about it, because, it happened again with John's transition into another state of being. I have a hard time calling Death, Death. because, as I have learned, Death is not the end, the spirit never dies. It goes on to another dimension another type of world or state of being. I had visited the place in my dreams many times, and it is absolutely gorgeous and more than amazing place. Amazing and Gorgeous are words short of really defining that place. This is why I am strongly opposed to the death penalty, Death is not a punishment, but a liberation from this painful and unbalanced world.
Visiting those places in my dreams, had helped me to overcome fear of Death, fear of the unknown. Believe me,... that place is great, people don't hate each other, there is no negative feelings, there is no punishment, there is only peace, calm, alignment, happiness and beauty there. I have mental pictures of it.
When John transitioned on 3/30/15, the nurse call me from hospice to ask me to be there because by the way he was breathing, they knew, he was going to transit soon. I got there after work by 7pm. I kissed him, touched him, held his hand, talked, and prayed for him. He was sleeping nicely and calm, just like a baby. As his time got closer, his breathing was turning slower, and it actually sounded like a newborn baby breathing, just like a real baby. Then in the final moments, he gasped for air a few times, with interrupted breathing, slowly, till I heard no more the sound of his breathing, by that time, I looked at him, since I was sitting right next to him, and I saw him expired at 11:00PM. I closed one eye that was open after his transition, the nurse told me thank you for doing that.
I went out of the room to get the nurse, she saw him and started to fill out papers. When I returned to the room with the nurse, I saw his body and withing 7 minutes, his body was like I had never seen it before, extremely pale white, it was a very shocking and painful for me to see his body like that, I left the room and didn't dare to touch him. I could not go back in there and see him like that, it was extremely painful.
I was used to seeing a very radiant, strong, loud, healthy John. I was his shadow, I loved being his tail. I babied and pampered him all the time. After more than 19 years and 5 months of companionship, we were the rare couple who could live together and work together, we enjoyed each other's companionship. I used to put my fingers and hands on anything he was working on to help him out. We were addicted to each other, if one of us would go out for 1 or 2 hours alone to do an errand, it felt like a very long time. Sometimes, I would go somewhere to do an errand for like 20 minutes and when I came back, he would say "I missed you!" or if he went out for a few minutes, when he came back he would ask "Did you missed me?!"
John told me so many times, " I love you" that even after his passing, I can hear his voice clearly in my mind say "I love you". It was like one of those songs that get stuck to your head and you keep hearing it, that is what I feel.
We had an agreement that we were gonna reach old age together. After so many years, we still fell asleep holding hands and hugging. I feel that life dealt me a shitty card and now I have to learn how to make the best of it.
The mental picture of how his face looked with the eye open when his spirit left the body, is a pretty sad one, that stays in my mind for ever as well. I don't know where all the courage came from, for me to be able to do, see, and experience this, I will say that meditations helped me a lot. At that time, I was like, is nature, we are all going to pass and expire, well, after 2 months of his transition, it is when reality has hit me, and I had found myself in dark and dangerous grieving places, where I had been crying myself to sleep. During the day, everything is all fine and normal, but when night hits, I better make sure that I am tired enough to pass out and go to sleep, because if I don't, is not a pretty good night.
Tuesday, June 9, 2015
Mis Poemas y locos pensamientos
"Fuck You Tomorrow"
Don't love me Tomorrow,
I will no save Love for tomorrow,
Love me today, and only today, for all I care,
I only have Today.
I don't care for the Tomorrows, the Tomorrows don't exist, the Tomorrow is irrelevant, fuck Tomorrow, love me today,
for today is all I have.
I don't care for the Tomorrows, the Tomorrows don't exist, the Tomorrow is irrelevant, fuck Tomorrow, love me today,
for today is all I have.
The song that inspired this poem:
https://youtu.be/USrflLJfZBE?list=PLnWeuRrmBtRJmOtDgPhV4scJOT9M3bbqC
AuraIam DASEP
6.8.15
6.8.15
***
I am Him, he is Me. In me you are, in me your stay. So Into each other that there is no ending, there is not beginning, there is no Me, there is no You, there is just Being.
I am, You are. It is.
I am, You are. It is.
AuraIam DASEP
When one is afraid of the unknown, dare to know it.
Take her to those unknown planets,
Make her see those unknown stars,
Let her see a other universes,
allow her to experience that.
Take her there,
if you don't want to go on that journey,
let her go, let her experience it.
Experience limitless.
Take her to those unknown planets,
Make her see those unknown stars,
Let her see a other universes,
allow her to experience that.
Take her there,
if you don't want to go on that journey,
let her go, let her experience it.
Experience limitless.
Unknown places are the most exciting places.
Unknown stars are the shiniest ones. How can those unknown stars be unknown?... maybe because one didn't open their eyes to begin with?...
Unknown stars are the shiniest ones. How can those unknown stars be unknown?... maybe because one didn't open their eyes to begin with?...
AuraIam DASEP
6.8.15
***
AuraIam 6.19.15
*** When you have sex with someone, indirectly, you are also having sex with their 1th, 2th, 3th, 4th , 40th, or 70th...or whatever number exes they had.
Thought of the day. STD awareness.
AuraIam 6.2215
***
My mind was broken,
My soul was even worst,
tiredness took over my all,
I broke to almost dust,
I fell asleep under your light,
You shined on me all night,
You loved me with your light.
You regenerated my body and soul,
with your moon light.
Will never forget my first night falling asleep under your light,
So alone, yet so loved.
Long Island has the best moon light ever.
I love Long Island.
#longisland #Moon #longislandforever #sleep #night
***
I thought you were Quality,
I saw beyond duality,
You are all about Quantity,
Not quality,
See Beyond,
Seek no more,
You were not a notch in my heart, not even a notch in my mind.
Aura
#Muse, #voices.
9/2016
Anger is cancer in the Mind.
Auraiam
*** To be continued...
Saturday, June 6, 2015
Heart Disease
After John's passing, my life changed in ways that I could never thought of. We had 2 more than amazing sons. I never imagine what life was without John. I just felt that, if anything, I would be taking care of him for a very long time if his health got worse.
I noticed something seriously wrong in his body, I got so scared, that I had to give him an ultimatum, about leaving him if he didn't go see a doctor. That was in 2008. He did, we found out he had diabetes. In addition to that, in 2010, he started having issues with high blood pressure. John had many childhood traumas and bad experiences with doctors and hospitals, that created his fear and phobia of doctors and hospitals. I didn't know how bad his phobia of hospitals was till last year when he had the first stroke and we found out that previously to the stroke, he had had a Silent Heart Attack due to diabetes.
Many people ask me, what was he feeling. He was feeling a lot of things, many of those, he was hiding from me. I couldn't tell many times when he was feeling in pain or sick because he would hide it, and pretend that everything was okay, just like he did on the day that he got the second heart attack. He was at work all day, sitting down, quiet with a serious face, so I thought he had a moody day or was just upset for something that I couldn't tell. On our work days, he used to be always hugging me, kissing me, or bugging me, on that day, he was quiet on his desk all day. My guess is that he was feeling lots of pain and was sucking it in. As a matter of fact, on that day, he was going to do garbage for his mom, I finished my paperwork early and was going with him, since I never left him alone, just about, I was his tail, he told me "No, you don't have to come", so I went home to cook Farina, one of his favorite meals. He never came home, he never re-gain consciousness. He got the second heart attack, lost the pulse for more than 10 minutes, the pulse was gained back on the ambulance. The hospital did a surgery. Everything was fine, except that because he was ALONE, not one was there to give him CPR, it was too long without air for the brain. I had taken the CPR classes with my 2 sons, he knew we were ready to take care of him, however, he chose to be alone, he chose not to go to the hospital.
What I could notice was the sleep Apnea he had, he used to snore a lot, even though I had a family doctor come home and put the special machine for breathing, he refused to used it. He also had a lot of Chest pains and Left arm pain, many, very frequently since like 2010 he had been with those pains and he never told his doctor about it. He didn't take me to the doctor with him the few times he went, I only went once.
Last year, a few hours before getting the first stroke, I noticed that he was feeling sick and called 911, he refused to go to the hospital, he signed the paperwork that he was refusing medical help. Then, about 6:45 pm, he was vomiting and asking me not to dared to call 911 again. By the next day, at home, he was walking funny, and his lips were twisted. I called 911 again, met the ambulance outside, and demand them not to dare to leave him home, that something was wrong. It took the EMS about 25 minutes of talk to take him to the ER. At the ER, I had to stay to prevent him from signing himself out of the hospital.
The only weird thing that did happen about three days before the second heart attack date, was that at night, before going to sleep, he told me he was feeling weird and sick, but he couldn't define or describe what he was feeling or tell me if anything hurt, he just said, I just feel sick and weird."
John was John. He was so strong, one time, he had a bad tooth and he took pliers and extracted it himself because he didn't want to go to the dentist, who on earth does that?!!! His mental, personal,and smartness strength was one of the things that got me so attracted to him.
I had to sit down and see how John's health went down and got worse by the day. I was suffering inside of me, I just don't even know sometimes how, I coped with it. I did called his mom a bunch of times and asked her to talk to him about his health, again, he reassured her that he was fine. He told me so many times that he felt great and I believed him.
"Let me tell you, I feel sooo good that I am gonna be here for a very Long time!" he told me, and I believed him. He was always busy working and fixing something, he would only relax at night watching TV.
One of the things that he did, as far as eating and I didn't like it was eating eggs, John loved eggs too much. He used to cook eggs himself almost everyday, I think like 4 days a week if not more. I didn't cook them for him, only sometimes, because I don't believe in eggs, as much as any doctor or nurse tell me that eggs are healthy. He would eat 4 slices of pizza until I started to tell everyone, about it and he got embarrassed, and cut down on the pizza. After the first stroke, he started to buy the liquid fat free eggs on the box, still he was eating eggs too frequently. Then, to make matters worst, I found out that his mother and father have the heart disease , diabetes, and high blood pressure as well. So, he knew that genetics was not in his favor. His father had a total of 19 strokes and 8 heart attacks before passing one year ago. His father made it till 75, because his father did seek medical help all the time and his mother too.
After the first stroke on 4/18/14, for the first 3 months, his body and health was weak, he was limping a little bit from the left side of his body. He told a few people ( not to me), that if he didn't get better he would kill himself. Those people told me, so I really made sure, I didn't leave him alone at all. Me and my boys would signal and talk to each other, to make sure that one of us was always with him. That was the only way we could prevent his suicide. I know he would had done it, John hated to feel sick or to be weak, it was one of the worst thing that he experienced, he could not accept that his body was weak. When I told him about seeing a therapist, he would get very angry at me, and say that I was crazy. John didn't believe in therapy. I did provided as much love, understanding and support in order to make him feel loved, so much, that I stop doing many things, just to be there for John. For his last days, he did somethings that, when he was gone, I realized that he knew he was going to be gone.
My goal for this blog entry is that if you know someone who has this issues with Chest Pain and Left arm pains, please forward this entry, in the hope of creating awareness of this serious health problem that is nothing to joke of, or to be afraid of seeking help and going to the doctor. The thing is that, if John would had told his doctor, with only ONE pill, all of this could had been prevented.
There is a huge difference between going awake and aware to a hospital, where you can see and talk to the doctors, than to be unconscious and not get the medical help that is needed on time to make one feel better.
I noticed something seriously wrong in his body, I got so scared, that I had to give him an ultimatum, about leaving him if he didn't go see a doctor. That was in 2008. He did, we found out he had diabetes. In addition to that, in 2010, he started having issues with high blood pressure. John had many childhood traumas and bad experiences with doctors and hospitals, that created his fear and phobia of doctors and hospitals. I didn't know how bad his phobia of hospitals was till last year when he had the first stroke and we found out that previously to the stroke, he had had a Silent Heart Attack due to diabetes.
Many people ask me, what was he feeling. He was feeling a lot of things, many of those, he was hiding from me. I couldn't tell many times when he was feeling in pain or sick because he would hide it, and pretend that everything was okay, just like he did on the day that he got the second heart attack. He was at work all day, sitting down, quiet with a serious face, so I thought he had a moody day or was just upset for something that I couldn't tell. On our work days, he used to be always hugging me, kissing me, or bugging me, on that day, he was quiet on his desk all day. My guess is that he was feeling lots of pain and was sucking it in. As a matter of fact, on that day, he was going to do garbage for his mom, I finished my paperwork early and was going with him, since I never left him alone, just about, I was his tail, he told me "No, you don't have to come", so I went home to cook Farina, one of his favorite meals. He never came home, he never re-gain consciousness. He got the second heart attack, lost the pulse for more than 10 minutes, the pulse was gained back on the ambulance. The hospital did a surgery. Everything was fine, except that because he was ALONE, not one was there to give him CPR, it was too long without air for the brain. I had taken the CPR classes with my 2 sons, he knew we were ready to take care of him, however, he chose to be alone, he chose not to go to the hospital.
What I could notice was the sleep Apnea he had, he used to snore a lot, even though I had a family doctor come home and put the special machine for breathing, he refused to used it. He also had a lot of Chest pains and Left arm pain, many, very frequently since like 2010 he had been with those pains and he never told his doctor about it. He didn't take me to the doctor with him the few times he went, I only went once.
Last year, a few hours before getting the first stroke, I noticed that he was feeling sick and called 911, he refused to go to the hospital, he signed the paperwork that he was refusing medical help. Then, about 6:45 pm, he was vomiting and asking me not to dared to call 911 again. By the next day, at home, he was walking funny, and his lips were twisted. I called 911 again, met the ambulance outside, and demand them not to dare to leave him home, that something was wrong. It took the EMS about 25 minutes of talk to take him to the ER. At the ER, I had to stay to prevent him from signing himself out of the hospital.
The only weird thing that did happen about three days before the second heart attack date, was that at night, before going to sleep, he told me he was feeling weird and sick, but he couldn't define or describe what he was feeling or tell me if anything hurt, he just said, I just feel sick and weird."
John was John. He was so strong, one time, he had a bad tooth and he took pliers and extracted it himself because he didn't want to go to the dentist, who on earth does that?!!! His mental, personal,and smartness strength was one of the things that got me so attracted to him.
I had to sit down and see how John's health went down and got worse by the day. I was suffering inside of me, I just don't even know sometimes how, I coped with it. I did called his mom a bunch of times and asked her to talk to him about his health, again, he reassured her that he was fine. He told me so many times that he felt great and I believed him.
"Let me tell you, I feel sooo good that I am gonna be here for a very Long time!" he told me, and I believed him. He was always busy working and fixing something, he would only relax at night watching TV.
One of the things that he did, as far as eating and I didn't like it was eating eggs, John loved eggs too much. He used to cook eggs himself almost everyday, I think like 4 days a week if not more. I didn't cook them for him, only sometimes, because I don't believe in eggs, as much as any doctor or nurse tell me that eggs are healthy. He would eat 4 slices of pizza until I started to tell everyone, about it and he got embarrassed, and cut down on the pizza. After the first stroke, he started to buy the liquid fat free eggs on the box, still he was eating eggs too frequently. Then, to make matters worst, I found out that his mother and father have the heart disease , diabetes, and high blood pressure as well. So, he knew that genetics was not in his favor. His father had a total of 19 strokes and 8 heart attacks before passing one year ago. His father made it till 75, because his father did seek medical help all the time and his mother too.
After the first stroke on 4/18/14, for the first 3 months, his body and health was weak, he was limping a little bit from the left side of his body. He told a few people ( not to me), that if he didn't get better he would kill himself. Those people told me, so I really made sure, I didn't leave him alone at all. Me and my boys would signal and talk to each other, to make sure that one of us was always with him. That was the only way we could prevent his suicide. I know he would had done it, John hated to feel sick or to be weak, it was one of the worst thing that he experienced, he could not accept that his body was weak. When I told him about seeing a therapist, he would get very angry at me, and say that I was crazy. John didn't believe in therapy. I did provided as much love, understanding and support in order to make him feel loved, so much, that I stop doing many things, just to be there for John. For his last days, he did somethings that, when he was gone, I realized that he knew he was going to be gone.
My goal for this blog entry is that if you know someone who has this issues with Chest Pain and Left arm pains, please forward this entry, in the hope of creating awareness of this serious health problem that is nothing to joke of, or to be afraid of seeking help and going to the doctor. The thing is that, if John would had told his doctor, with only ONE pill, all of this could had been prevented.
There is a huge difference between going awake and aware to a hospital, where you can see and talk to the doctors, than to be unconscious and not get the medical help that is needed on time to make one feel better.
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